Joy Is Not a Trick

First, you must realize you’re homesick for all the lives you’re not living. Then, you must commit to the road and the rising loneliness. To the sincere thrill of coming apart. Divorce yourself from routine and control. Instead, find a desert and fall in. Take the trail that promises a view. Get lost. Break your toes. Bruise your knees. Keep going. Watch a purple meadow quiver. Get still. Pet trail dogs. Buy the hat. Run out of gas. Befriend strangers. Knight yourself every morning for your newborn courage. Give grief her own lullaby. Drink whiskey beside a hundred-year-old cactus. Honor everything. Pray to something unnameable. Fall for someone impractical. Reacquaint yourself with desire and all her slender hands. Bear beauty for as long as you are able, and if you spot a sunning warbler glowing like a prism, remind yourself – joy is not a trick.

Instructions for Traveling West – J. Sullivan

When my daughter first sent these words to me, I was astonished knowing I’d inadvertently completed every single directive in J. Sullivan’s “Instructions for Traveling West.” For years, I was terribly homesick for all the lives I was not living. Then, one day, a day that appeared to be the end of the world for me, I decided to start living the life I’d always dreamed of living rather than wallowing in self-pity. Together with my faith and the support of my family, I began living. I wrote a short, simple list of things I wanted to accomplish that evolved into dozens and dozens of dreams that became my bucket list.

Last month, I revisited my bucket list while on a ship traveling around the Hawaiian Islands. My Hawaiian experiences didn’t involve day-long beach sunbathing and drinking mai-tais out of coconuts but rather tours of historic and cultural venues – mostly with our sweet friend, Paul, from the Semester at Sea voyage last fall. My brother, Tim, and I did find ourselves in traditionally touristy places with local guides, but generally, we just embraced the unique beauty of each island. I was able to check “surfing in Hawaii” (among other items) off my bucket list!

I spent much of the last decade focused on raising my kiddos, expanding my formal and informal education, teaching, and traveling. I’ve discovered immense joy chasing after and completing hundreds of the items on my list – the mundane and the profound, the exhilarating and the scary, the public and the personal. My bucket list helped to masquerade much grief and anxiety that I endured in the past. I am so thankful that I was brave enough to walk this journey and make it out better (healthier and happier) than I have ever been. If I can do what I’ve done, ANYONE can! During my time of reflection, I have decided it is now time to turn another page, as a new season is upon me. I am stepping away from my blog for a while because I am taking on a few different adventures that are deeply personal and probably not of interest to most.

Thank you all for following, encouraging, reading, and responding to my blog. In fact, one reader once commented, “You live an enviable life, Jen!” and now, he and I are (literally) building a house/life together. If it weren’t for this blog, I would not have connected with the man who is quickly becoming the love of my life. “Falling for someone impractical” is what my kiddos recently mentioned as “Mom’s spark is back.”

Life is hard, but joy is not a trick!