We Are Not Nouns

Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it. That is your punishment. But if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing — an actor, a writer — I am a person who does things — I write, I act — and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.

Stephen Fry

As I started writing my annual Christmas Letter (year 34) a few months ago, I paused when I thought about my numerous “jobs.” I’m in awe of those who spend a lifetime in a single career. I do not know what that feels like, nor does my retirement fund! We have moved a lot, so my career opportunities have changed with each new zip code. Yet, surprisingly, I have no regrets. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Because of my different jobs, I have met many more amazing folks than if I’d stayed in one place for the past 30-some-odd years. The cultural, geographical, educational, and personal journeys have opened my mind and heart to people and experiences I will never forget. I certainly try to follow the notion of being a verb – a doer.

As adults, we often ask children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Rarely, do we ask, “Who do you want to be or What do you want to do?” As an English teacher, I’m asked to write dozens of letters of recommendation for students applying for college scholarships. Each application requires these 17-year-olds to know what they want to be and the specific steps to get there. Some ask what they have accomplished in high school, but most focus on grades and extra-curricular activities and not so much on who they are as doers – verbs.

I pushed my kiddos from an early age to find their place – to decide on a major in college and pursue a specific career wholeheartedly. I am guilty of pushing the “What do you want to be” narrative. When none of the four fully “utilized” their various degrees for what they were intended (as far as traditional knowledge/beliefs are concerned), they were somewhat skittish explaining their “job” choices to me – afraid I might be disappointed with their decisions. They are not things (nouns), but they are adults who are doing (verbs) things.

Recently, a friend shared that her four-year-old daughter had Career Day in preschool. Our culture is work/career-focused. When meeting someone for the first time, we ask, “What do you do?” Individual identity is often associated with a career, rather than who we are based on our character or personal experiences.

Those who deviate from that tradition are often viewed as eccentric, lost, unfocused, or unmotivated.

Most people struggle with this concept. A recent example was when my 28-year-old daughter was told that she needed to leave remote, northern Alaska to get an education and do something with her life. This older gentleman had no idea that my daughter has earned three college degrees and has chosen a career in Alaska that allows her to chase verbs. Ironically, this woman is doing life better than just about anyone I know. Below, you will see a photo of her with frozen eyelashes when she was out for a walk in -40 degrees in January. When the temps reached -52, she and a few other adult co-workers took pots of boiling water outside and threw them in the air to instantly form ice crystals as the frozen water fell to the ground. That was also the day most of the town’s gas pump hoses froze and broke in half. She’s learned to cross-country ski, give snowshoe tours, and become an Arctic expert – while earning a nice salary and saving for her next adventure.

My three boys are also people who are doing things. One has a law degree but isn’t an attorney. Another has a pilot’s license but isn’t working as a pilot. The third has a biochemistry pre-med degree but isn’t in medical school. Some folks have put undue pressure on each of my four kiddos because of what society deems important relating to their career choices and what they want to be, rather than who they are and what they do. Needless to say, my kiddos are chasing verbs and still falling into what the world would consider successful adulting.

Chasing verbs is a way to express the idea of being actively engaged in (doing) life rather than just passively existing (being). This mindset of constant action, growth, and exploration is a choice where life is seen as a dynamic process rather than a static state. Instead of merely being a passive observer or recipient of experiences, being a person who does things encourages us to actively participate in shaping our own lives and making meaningful contributions to the world around us. Doing involves embracing change, taking risks, and seizing opportunities to learn and grow.

I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.